Unsettled
Anything in your world causing that feeling of unsettledness?
I imagine many of you responding with, “How much time do you have, Ben?”
I recently celebrated the 30th anniversary of my first trip to the Garden Isle of Kauai. Kauai is the one place where I am guaranteed to experience a giant exhale the moment I step off the plane. With this trip’s exhale came the realization of three activities that were pulling me into a trance of avoidance around the feeling of unsettledness.
Increased status checking: Frequently checking email, the news, and social media to see what’s new or what’s changed.
Excess pre-gaming: Attempting to game out every potential scenario for a message I need to send or a conversation I need to have.
Preoccupation with my thoughts and feelings: Earlier this year I shared about my propensity to create a mental ‘evidence wall’ to determine the why behind a specific thought or feeling.
Fear: The Other Four Letter Word
After the exhale I remembered this quote from Tara Brach:
“Most of our thoughts are fear driven and keep us worried.”
That helped me remember that the root of my unsettledness is fear, specifically:
Fear I'm not using my time wisely.
Fear I'm not doing enough.
Fear it's not going to work out.
When the fear dial is turned up to 11, it's hard to remember that fear is just an evolutionary feature designed to keep us safe. At that level fear creates suffering by pulling me into the trance of the avoidance I noted above.
Three Ways to Break the Trance
The good news: I’ve found success breaking the trance and returning to a more grounded state with the following three practices. I hope they're helpful for you, too.
Accept it: As my spiritual teacher Richard Rohr notes, "Change happens, but transformation is always a process of letting go and living in the confusing, shadowy, transitional space for a while." The two words "a while" gave me perspective that while I may be in this space for a while, it doesn't have to be all consuming.
Share it: Anytime I fall into a trance it's important to pause, pull up, and share what's going on with others. Sharing gets me out of my head and into helpful action.
Nourish it: A friend recently reminded me, "We don't always know the right thing, but we generally know the kind thing." Isn't that great? It's led me to ask many times over the last few weeks what's the kind thing for myself and others.
If you’ve had an exhale this year, please email and share it with me – I’d love to hear about it. And if not, what might help create one?
PS: Enjoy this exhale-inducing sunset snap taken from my hotel room overlooking Kauai's famous Poipu Beach.
