More Practices for Sweaty Five Minute Conversations
I recently had the opportunity to work with a leadership team I spent time with last year.
In preparation for this year’s workshop, I interviewed each team member to get a sense of how their year has unfolded, what they’re currently challenged by and what they’ve been practicing since last year’s workshop. Two practices emerged in response to that last question:
Pausing and pulling up.
Having more sweaty five minute conversations.
I loved hearing examples of how they’ve been putting both practices into play, especially Sweaty Five Minute Conversations (SFMC) because let’s face it: no one wakes up in the morning and says, “I can’t wait to have a sweaty five minute conversation today.”
Last year the team worked on being the initiator of a SFMC. Is there a SFMC you need to have that you’ve been putting off? Check out this newsletter for ideas and inspiration to prepare for that conversation.
This year we worked on being on the receiving end of a SFMC. That led me to marinate in a quote I’m sure you’ve heard: “Feedback is a gift.” The quote is attributed to many but originally credited to the legendary investor Warren Buffet. (Did I write a newsletter with three resilience tips from the Oracle of Omaha? You bet I did.)
The challenge is that feedback rarely starts as a gift.
While researching this subject, I came across a great story involving an interview with the actor Bradely Whitford on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast. Maron asked Whitford about his reaction to getting feedback from directors. Whitford said, “If I’m honest, anytime a director has ever said anything to me, I go through three silent beats (in my head):
Fuck you.
I suck.
Okay, what?
And, I really believe that is a universal response.”
Praise be, Commander Joseph Lawrence, for netting it out! (That’s a nod to Whitford’s Emmy nominated performance in the just completed The Handmaid’s Tale series.) I believe Whitford’s response is universal because each of us has an ego, which at this point is a tenured employee that’s very difficult to fire.
Three Practices
Our egos relish their time in the “fuck you” and “I suck” phases. It’s akin to the way warm water acts as the primary energy source for hurricanes. So how do we move to the “Okay, what?” phase? Here are three practices to experiment with:
Pause: There’s a good chance during the initial meeting you might be stuck in “fuck you” for the entire conversation. Focus on your breathing, giving an opportunity for the two million year old part of your brain that wants to fight or flee a chance to stand down. If saying thank you for the feedback feels inauthentic at that moment, try something like this: “I appreciate you taking the time to share this feedback. Let me reflect on it and get back to you.”
Use Yes / And: There’s a good chance you’ll make a pit stop at the “I suck” phase, better known as the wallowing phase. You may also be prone during this time to fire off messages that start with “Can you believe” to multiple friends. When you’ve ready to exit the wallowing phase, acknowledge yourself for what you have contributed. Try this to activate your inner coach, “Yes, I’ve got some things to look at, and I can build on my strengths in the process.”
How can I learn and grow? The fastest way to get to “Okay, what?” is to ask yourself, “How can I learn and grow?” That question helps you shift into a growth mindset, where you view the feedback as an opportunity for learning. I also love this question for any speed bump or hitting-the-wall moment I experience. If I can learn and grow from the experience I can help others learn and grow, too.
A reminder that our brains are designed to keep us safe and comfortable. They are not designed to try new things, and Sweaty Five Minute Conversations – whether you’re the initiator or receiver – are definitely brave new things. With practice, you’ll get more comfortable.
PS: I discovered the Badley Whitford story in Mike Robbins’ book, We’re All In This Together. Thanks, Mike!