Unsettled
"I'm kerfuffled."
That's the first thing a client shared at the top of a recent coaching call. As I probed more I learned she was unsettled -- unsettled about transitions happening on both the work and home front. My reply? "Me, too."
Unsettled is an uncomfortable feeling, and I do NOT like uncomfortable feelings! I'm an Enneagram Type 8, and our default setting is to push away and deny uncomfortable feelings. As Beatrice Chestnut writes in The Complete Enneagram, "Eights' automatic search for intensity, stimulation, and fun keeps those difficult emotional experiences out of their awareness." Yes, I realize this is not the healthiest of default settings.🙂
To keep the discomfort in my awareness, I've been using a technique I often suggest to clients: I'm writing about it. I created a journal prompt -- "What's at the root of feeling unsettled?" -- and each morning I've been jotting down a few lines against that prompt.
What have I learned? At the root of my unsettled-ness is fear surrounding transitions and change, specifically:
Fear I'm not using my time wisely.
Fear I'm not doing enough.
Fear it's not going to work out.
When the fear dial is turned up to 11, it's hard to remember that fear is just an evolutionary feature designed to keep us safe. When the volume stays turned up, fear creates suffering by pulling me into the trance of "what if" thinking. In that trance I lose perspective and create a sense of urgency around having to solve it all now.
Over the last week I was able to break the trance and return to a more settled state. Here are three actions that helped me do that. I hope they're helpful for you too.
Accept it: As my spiritual teacher Richard Rohr notes, "Change happens, but transformation is always a process of letting go and living in the confusing, shadowy, transitional space for a while." The two words "a while" gave me perspective that while I may be in this space for a while, it doesn't have to be all consuming.
Share it: Anytime I fall into a trance it's important to pause, pull up, and share what's going on with others. Sharing gets me out of my head and into helpful action. If you follow me on Instagram you might have seen where I was recently WFH (Working From Hawaii), visiting my cousin Brooke and her family before they relocate to the mainland. While swimming off Oahu's west side to see the turtles, I shared my unsettled-ness with Brooke. And now I'm sharing it with y'all.
Nourish it: A friend recently reminded me, "We don't always know the right thing, but we generally know the kind thing." Isn't that great! It's led me to ask many times over the last two weeks what's the kind thing for myself and others.
As I was putting the finishing touches on this newsletter, I read this terrific reminder in Glad Day Daily Meditations:
"Let us become experts at showering ourselves with unconditional love."
PS: I'm grateful to Carmel Jud, founder and executive director of Rising Worldwide, for this LinkedIn post thanking me for helping the team at Rising with their strategic planning process. If you'd like help "navigating difficult decisions and building stronger bonds with each other" during your next offsite, just reach out and we'll set up time to jam!
Photo Credit: Mahalo Brooke for capturing the stunning image of three turtles off Oahu's Makaha Beach. These beautiful creatures inspire me because they do NOT look unsettled!