What's Your 'Go To' Intervention for Self Criticism

Last month Rick and I celebrated our anniversary with a trip to Kauai. One evening he stepped out onto the lanai in our hotel room and asked, "Are you ready to head downstairs for our anniversary dinner?" Unfortunately I wasn't quite ready as I had fallen into the trance of self-criticism. What's worse, it was the kind of self-criticism that generated shame.

A quick reminder on the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is "I did something wrong," and shame is "I am something wrong." When shame hits it hits hard, which is often why we experience physical sensations such as an increased heart rate or muscle tension. As the sun was setting on that stunning Hawaiian evening I began experiencing both of those physical sensations, and that's when I remembered the wise words of my longtime therapist Joni Lavick:

"When you're in the throes of self-criticism, you need an emergency intervention."

Here's how to create and put your intervention into practice:

Step 1: Pause and pull up. Taking a breath (or two) will begin to put space between you and the self-criticism.

Step 2: Do NOT try to figure it out! Your mind is too busy fueling the self-criticism.

Step 3: Perform your 'go to' intervention that can help you drop from your mind and into your body. Here's a short list of ideas to get you started:

  • Take a shower.

  • Go for a walk.

  • Pet your fur baby.

  • Hug a nearby human.

  • Review your praise pile.

What was my emergency intervention that evening? I started watching goosebump inducing videos of live musical performances on YouTube. Music touches our feelings and speaks to us in a special language. The German poet and author Berthold Auerbach noted, "Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." And at that moment I definitely needed to wash away a few things! From a group of roughly a dozen videos I watched that night, here are my three favorites:

Aretha Franklin performing Natural Woman at the Kennedy Center Honors

Peter Gabriel performing Heroes in Verona, Italy

Robbie Williams performing Angels with Joss Stone at the Brit Awards

During dinner I shared my lanai experience and intervention with Rick. I asked what video he would have watched in that situation. His lightning fast response? "The scene in the Matrix when Neo realizes that everything attacking him is not real, that he was the one giving them power, and he simply says, "No."

As we continue the year-end countdown, there are no shortage of opportunities that could result in experiencing the trance of self-criticism. The next time that happens, pause, pull up, and perform your intervention. And please let me know what helped you break the trance!

PS: If you're experiencing self-criticism around a lack of planning and preparation for 2024, I have another intervention to help you break the trance: book an hour with me, and let's jam on how you can enter the New Year with intention. Just click here to get started! 

Photo Details: The image captures sunrise from our lanai at the gorgeous Grand Hyatt Kauai. This was the view for my morning practice during our visit to the Garden Isle. 

Alison Bricker